People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I can fix him.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
