People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
