People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
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There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Sorry not sorry.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.