Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Thinking about a snail with a limp

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

ibopfufen

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

😂🐈‍⬛

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

it is time once again

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.