Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

Catering service

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

‘I know a black person’

– White people

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person