Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

Me: don’t be hitting!

Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!

Him, 9: you threw a block at me!

Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

welp

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.