People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
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once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Hey i am sexy to you now
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village