People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
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breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.