Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman