people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
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I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that