people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
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boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Jogging
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”