People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
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🤣✨#caturday
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Saturday
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart