Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.