Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

shut up and take my money

This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

ㅤ

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”