Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

Isn’t

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

Welcome to the stomach

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

Sir!!

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

If my kids invented a drink.

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST