People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
You Might Also Like
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?