People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
You Might Also Like
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Many hands make light work
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
