Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.