Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.