People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
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Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
My inexpensive home security system…
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.