People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
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Imma just leave this here…………
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial