People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
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Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.