People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
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ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”