People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
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God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I didn’t realize that was an option
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.