People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
You Might Also Like
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Me when I’m ovulating
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
best first i’ve ever seen
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.