People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
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just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
im 7 sauces long
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’ve had relationships like this
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)