Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

he looks great for his age

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea