People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
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My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
You deplete me
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.