People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
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Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
