People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
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Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring