Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

Just a phase…

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net