People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
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I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one