People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
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[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”