People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
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“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Rude much 😂😂😂
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.