People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
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Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
