People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
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why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
