People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
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You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
every man in east london
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS