People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
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Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass