@MrFornicator

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

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@better_off_dad2

Life is:

•10% what happens to you
•90% how you react to it
•25% poor math skills

@LurkAtHomeMom

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

@AubriePesky

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

@RobElliottComic

Uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh huh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh huh

Me, Rap battling

@Lhlodder

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

@ianpauldukes

i’m unmarried and childless but sometimes i make up a fictional family for my twitter jokes. my wife hates it but my kids think it’s hilarious

@pinupteacher

[speed dating]

Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog?

“No.”

*I take a deep breath and roll my eyes*

[timer beeps]

@English_Channel

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

@KieranSoFar

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

@joeljeffrey

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.