Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

When you have to use a public restroom.

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.