People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
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In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos