People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
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Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming