People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
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Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
So that’s what we looked like?
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.