People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

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Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed


Grandpa: “My joints are stiff.”

Me: “Don’t roll them so tight.”


*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog


[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”


barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off


Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.


so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.


Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ?. ?????’?. ???. ???.