Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
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Grandpa: “My joints are stiff.”
Me: “Don’t roll them so tight.”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ?. ?????’?. ???. ???.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL