Judas: You guys coming to the last supper?
Everyone Else: Why’d you call it that?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
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One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My goal is to be a troll as great as this guy one day
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
The original “Ben Hur” was a mega
hit movie ….with ( 11 ) Oscars.
The remake is a box office flop.
A clear case of “Ben Hur, Done That”
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.