People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

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Judas: You guys coming to the last supper?

Everyone Else: Why’d you call it that?


One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.


Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.


How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.


professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem


Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.


most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english


The original “Ben Hur” was a mega
hit movie ….with ( 11 ) Oscars.

The remake is a box office flop.

A clear case of “Ben Hur, Done That”


*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.