People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
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I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Weirdly Wednesday.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
That’s amazing.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.