People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
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A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My kitchen overserved me.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”