People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
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One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”