People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Well, I just invested all my retirement savings in Nvidia. Now to take a big sip of coffee and see what’s trending on twitter.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.