People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
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“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
This meal prepping shit easy
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Sunday
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.