People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.