People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
#NeverForget
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil