People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
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I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
#damn
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*