People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
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I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh