Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
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Police sketch artists are a bunch of con artists.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Last-minute gift idea!
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Whenever I go for a jog and it’s raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death.