@JimmerThatisAll

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

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@cydbeer

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

@hunz74

Police sketch artists are a bunch of con artists.

@john_vavra

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

@squirrel74wkgn

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

@HomeProbably

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

@VanGobot

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

@sad_tree

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

@KKAlThani

Whenever I go for a jog and it’s raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death.