People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
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I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.