My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
<enter password>
me
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meonstilts
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meandbatmanonstilts
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Camping tip: No.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
goldfish mafia
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Pickled cat.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
SF is the wild wild west man