People who say “life doesn’t come with a set of instructions” obviously haven’t heard of the Kama Sutra.

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Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.


The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.


When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.


i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon


I’ve been eating healthy for six whole hours now. Why am I still fat?


*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper


My 4 yr old nephew’s hobby horse is called ‘my noble Steve’ because he misheard the word ‘steed’ and I am dying.


“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.