People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
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Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.