Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

buying dead houseplants to save time

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

oh she’s cooked

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.