Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts