Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

I just love that new Pope smell.

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!