Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.