People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
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The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*