Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

WTF IS THAT!

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

prepare for carbonated trouble