Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

Thank you corporation very cool

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

a lot to unpack here

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

first you must answer his riddles

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

#FunnyLife Insects

In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”