Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.