People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
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ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please