People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
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Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Fight
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”