People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
You Might Also Like
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.