People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
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With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Last-minute gift idea!
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.