People who say, “nothing could ever tear us apart”, must not know about sharks.

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Date: “I don’t like Taco Bell.”

*Pushes her in front of a bus.*


My five year old asked me to hold her cupcake and I think we all know how that went


Whatever, your kid should apologize to me for being so terrible at dodgeball


You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.


I’m sorry your husband of 50 yrs is dead.

Here is a casserole made with Campbells Soup.

~White people.


I’m sorry I picked up dog poop using your selfie stick.


Things you have done this year that irritated me.
-An anthology.


Iโ€™m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.


“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”