Date: “I don’t like Taco Bell.”
*Pushes her in front of a bus.*
People who say, “nothing could ever tear us apart”, must not know about sharks.
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Whatever, your kid should apologize to me for being so terrible at dodgeball
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I’m sorry your husband of 50 yrs is dead.
Here is a casserole made with Campbells Soup.
I’m sorry I picked up dog poop using your selfie stick.
Things you have done this year that irritated me.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
A closed mouth keeps it’s teeth.