@imadepoopstoday
@causticbob
vegan witches, happy halloween!
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@causticbob
@pixelatedboat
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
@juliussharpe
I have the Anne Hathaway “It came true!” reaction whenever the guy at Subway hands me my sandwich.
@ArfMeasures
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
@E_lok44
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
@daddydoubts
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
@MelaynaLokosky
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
@Brianhopecomedy
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
@QwertyJones3
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
@klecket
Does it creep anyone else out that Donald Duck eats a turkey dinner on ‘Once Upon A Christmas’? Isn’t that a form of cannibalism?