@imadepoopstoday

People who say, “nothing could ever tear us apart”, must not know about sharks.

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@pixelatedboat

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

@juliussharpe

I have the Anne Hathaway “It came true!” reaction whenever the guy at Subway hands me my sandwich.

@ArfMeasures

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

@E_lok44

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

@daddydoubts

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

@MelaynaLokosky

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

@QwertyJones3

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

@klecket

Does it creep anyone else out that Donald Duck eats a turkey dinner on ‘Once Upon A Christmas’? Isn’t that a form of cannibalism?