People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
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Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Ok but actually
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”