People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
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It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.