Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

i want the dreams to chase me for once

Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.