Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one